Anita Chlipala has put together two different ways of looking at these 10 things in a relationship. One being “settling” unhealthy view, and “realistic” is the healthy view.
View her full article here: https://www.relationshipreality312.com/10-ways-to-determine-if-youre-settling/
Here is my input on her 10 determinations.
#1 Acceptance: the ability to accept each other and your differences without the feeling of tolerance, making excuses for their behaviour, putting up with or trying to change the other person. If these things are exist in your relationship I would consider it unhealthy.
#2 Respect: the absence of mutual respect will destroy a relationship eventually. There are some people who were never taught what respect looks like and don’t know how to recognize it or give it, but you can always learn healthy ways to treat each other that will build a healthy relationship.
#3 Compromise: listening and keeping your word to each other on the little things, is just as important as the big things in life. The ability to listen and put yourself in the other person’s shoes to be able to come up with a solution that works for both people is a skill and choice. I would like to reference my "Crystal Clear Communication" course to achieve true compromise.
#4 Gut Instinct: can’t say enough about this point. We have survived because of our gut instincts and the skills our brain has learned over time to get us through most circumstances. The first thing we do is “freeze” to assess the situation for danger. Then our brain goes into “fight”, can I do anything in this situation to work out the issue for a positive outcome? Then if those two are not solvable we go into “flight” run away to survive. Although this process is very important, some potentially hurtful things can be avoided if you listen to your gut first.
#5 Overall Interactions: what do you feel when you are spending time together? And be honest with yourself. The brain is always looking for pleasure and success, even if things start to get frustrating or unpleasant. The brain will try to navigate what you did the last time that resulted in a good day together and try to replicate that again even when the unpleasant times get more frequent than the pleasurable times. The brain does not like to fail. This is why people go back to the same unhealthy relationships over and over. The brain is trying to get it right, succeed. This is an unhealthy pattern. I recommend "Dating Traps" course.
#6 Social Circle: what are other people, friends and family seeing that you are not? Sometimes the Rose-Colored Glasses can fog your view of the other person. It's easy to get distracted with one or two things you really like about a person, so you make excuses or try to ignore the other things that go against your core values. This is always a conflict in your gut and heart. It's easier for people on the outside of the relationship to see things you are choosing to ignore.
#7 Your Reason: pay attention to your reasons for staying or even moving into marriage. Are they reasons that don’t honestly fit your long-term goals or dreams around the person and relationship you have fantasies about? No one is perfect, this is why you look for Mr. or Miss 80% while honoring your deal breakers and core values.
#8 Relationship Goals: are you both on the same page, and ready to commit? Or are you just in different places in life, job, location, and so many other things that can just make it not the right time for both of you or even just one of you. I have heard stories of people who dated and moved on with their life in different directions because of timing, and years later run into each other and hit it off again and get married, living happily ever after. So, be true to yourself now, because you just never know what the future holds.
#9 Toxic Behaviors: “Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” are a guarantee of failure or worse... being in an abusive relationship. These behaviors can be worked on and changed with coaching and the ability to be self-aware of the damage it creates not only to the other person but to you as well. Often times when someone either acts this way or allows someone to project this onto them. . . these are learned behaviors. How you were raised and what you learned can be changed to kinder more productive behaviors. It’s a choice you have available to you if you want it. I recommend "Empowered Self-Awareness" course.
#10 Deal Breakers: talk about your deal breakers with each other. Life has a way of changing people and their view of things. Most people set their deal breakers around past experiences and what they want or don’t want in their life. I would suggest looking at your deal breakers based on your core values and pay attention to how you established your core values. Did they come from a place of love or fear. Either way, honor YOU and the things you want for yourself. Try to look at relationships as a place to learn about yourself and others and hopefully you will find the love you deserve along this journey we call life.
“Elevate Your View” of life!